Get the F Off My Lawn/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: That was a strong wind storm last night, huh? Oscar Leroy: I've seen worse. Wind storm of '85, remember that? Moved the whole town five feet to the left. Emma Leroy: Everyday a little bit crazier. Oscar: I'm just trying to top her story. Lacey: That wasn't a story, that was a remark. Oscar: Topsy! Stamped it, locked it, stuffed it in my pocket. Lacey: You are a freak, you know that? Oscar: I knew a freak once... Emma: Stop topping. Hank Yarbo: Hey, where's your F 'n E? Lacey: Hank, this is a family restaurant. Hank: No, where's your F and E? Lacey: Where's my F 'n E? Lady: I think we'll eat somewhere else. Lacey: Oh, no, no, no. Don't leave. I wasn't cursing, I was just talking about the... aw, sh-... Wanda Dollard: Hank's in my parking spot again. Brent Leroy: Oh, first of all you don't have a parking spot. And second of all parking spots are for valued customers. Wait, why do you have a parking spot? Hank: I'm your best buddy. Brent: I guess there's some value to that. Wanda: He doesn't even work here and he has a parking spot. Brent: You don't do any work around here and you get a cheque every week. Wanda: Me? The only stain on your work shirt is from relish. I'm sick of being taken for granted. And I'm sick of my wobbly stool. Hank: You should see Doc Russell about that. Wanda: Hilarious. Hank: No, I'm serious. He's also a carpenter. He makes stools. Wanda: Well, I don't want a new one, I just want this one fixed. Look at it. It's like I'm riding a mechanical bull. Except I'm not wearing a halter top. It was in the '80's, I was trying new things...look, I just want a non-wobbly stool. Is that too much to ask? Davis Quinton: Well, the wind wouldn't have blown them any further than this. Someone obviously took them. Lacey: Maybe you should put out an APB on the F and E. Davis: That's a lot of paperwork. Lacey: That's just a little letter humour. Davis: You sure you want those letters back? You see, now would be a good opportunity to for you to spell something different. Like, cake, cash, carrots. Lacey: Can't. Davis: You'd put up "can't?" Lacey: No, I mean, I won't. Davis: Why would people stop for "won't?" I wouldn't. Lacey: Just find the letters please. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Karen, taste this. What does it taste like? Karen: Jam. Fitzy: Good, I want you to judge a jam contest. Karen: Why can't you do it? Fitzy: I bit my tongue. Hank: Ten bucks if you can stop it with your tongue. Fitzy: Easy money. Ah! Karen: What is with this town and contests? Fitzy: It's easy. You just taste the jams and then declare Emma the winner. Karen: So, you want me to be impartial but give Emma the prize. Fitzy: Yeah, she's won the contest 15 years in a row. Her jam's the best. Karen: So, just knock on her door and give her the prize. Your contest is a waste of time. Fitzy: Are you judging me? Karen: A little. Fitzy: Good, use that and then declare Emma the winner. Brent: What's this? Wanda: A list of demands for better working conditions. Brent: "Extended vacation time, permanent parking spot, sturdier stool...". You make this sound like a sweatshop. Wanda: Oh, that reminds me. Brent: I do wear deodorant. What about the benefits of working here, huh? Number one, it's indoors so when it rains you don't get wet. You have full access to magazines, unfettered...there's a window. Need I go on? Wanda: Yes, unfettered horizon is not on my list of demands. Brent: All right, to show you I'm a just and fair boss I'm going to fix your stool. There you go, one de-wobblified stool. Who's the man? Wanda: Seriously, what kind of deodorant? Because that's not getting it done. Davis: We're looking for a couple lost letters. You seen them? Brent: I think I saw that one last night. Lacey: Really? Where? Brent: Did you see that? Wanda: What the "F?" Brent: Yeah. Lacey: Now, you're sure it was an "F" and not a broken "E?" Brent: Could have been. Davis: This case just got a lot more complicated. Emma: Now who died? Oscar: Nobody. Just getting dressed up for when you win the jam contest. Emma: Oh Oscar, it's never a sure thing. At least it wasn't before I started entering. Oscar: You've had quite the run, my dear. Well, we have. Emma: Well, maybe I'll actually make it into the picture this year. Oscar: Good luck. Brent: Wanda, you want to get that? Wanda? Wanda: Restitution, remuneration, I demand indemnification. Brent: Wow, you do a lot of crosswords, huh? You know, if you're gonna strike you might want to trim a couple of syllables. Wanda: So, my voice is finally being heard? Brent: Actually all I'm hearing is the gas bell. You want to move your one-man parade ten feet to the left? Wanda: I may be moved but I will not be silenced. Brent: Nobody's listening to you anyways and your chant doesn't even rhyme. Wanda: No more service, no more gas, while Brent sits around scratching his... Brent: That's enough of the chanting. Oscar: Hey, you kids! Get the "F" off my lawn. Davis: Lacey, what I'm about to show you may be disturbing. Is that your "F?" Lacey: No. Of course it's my "F." Why did you have a sheet over it? Davis: A little drama. Karen: Wow, look at all this jam. That's good, I like that one. Oscar: Whoa, hey. What are you doing? Those are for the judge. Karen: I am the judge. Oscar: What kind of experience do you have tasting jam? Karen: I'm a cop. What do you think my donuts are filled with? Oscar: Jelly. Karen: Oh, right. Oscar: Oh, it doesn't matter who's judging anyway. Emma's gonna win. Emma: Oh Oscar, you may be right. Karen: Well, that was easy. The winner is Mertyl's jam! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You weren't even close. No, the winner is Emma with jam #3. Emma: Mine's not jam #3. Oscar: Oh, what difference does it make? You won! Come and get a picture of me and the missus. Don't crowd me, woman. Emma: I think she's saying I didn't win. Oscar: You aren't saying that, are you? Karen: Yeah, the winner is, Helen Jensen. Who's that? Oh, the winner is Fitzy's grandma. Helen, apparently. Oscar: I've always believed in you Helen. Helen Jensen: You're not getting in the picture. Oscar: Damn it. Lacey (phone): Hi, yeah, I'm looking for an "E." Sign Shop Guy (phone): I'm all out of E's, maybe you heard there was a big wind storm the other day? Lacey (phone): Are you sure you don't have an E? Sign Shop Guy (phone): I'll check. We got any E's left? Employee: What, after the wind storm? Sign Shop Guy: Yeah, that's what I said. Lacey (phone): Oh wait, what about an "M?" I could just put it in its side. Sign Shop Guy (phone): Yeah, that's clever. Lacey (phone): Thank you. Sign Shop Guy (phone): Yeah, I got no M's. Lacey (phone): What about a "W?" Sign Shop Guy (phone): Ah, W's an M upside down. Lady, you're a genius. Lacey (phone): All things being relative. Wanda: Thank you. Thank you for your support. Brad Wall: Get out of the way. I need some gas. Hank: I think it's very gutsy what you're doing. Wanda: You do? Thanks, Hank. See, a little support, would that hurt? Sitting there in your cozy leather seats, listening to your... Hank: Pardon me. Wanda: Listening to your radio, sucking on a coffee bought from some third world war lord while the labourers struggle to... Hank: Fill 'er up? Wanda: What are you doing? Hank: I'm listening to you, very inspirational. Out here, taking it on the chin for the common man. Check the oil? Brent: Hey Hank, when you're done that you wanna clean the stock room? Hank: You got it, boss? Wanda: You hired a scab. Hank: You mean I get paid for this? Brent: Way to go, now I got to pay him. Oscar: I'm sorry Karen. I looked all over for it but I just can't find it. Karen: Find what? Oscar: Your sense of taste. Take that sandwich in front of you for example. Well, it might as well just be an old sock filled with raccoon poop. The you could give it first prize in a poop tasting contest. Karen: Wouldn't surprise me if this town did have a poop tasting contest. Look, I only picked whatever jam I thought was best. Lacey: Oh Karen, everybody knows that Emma's jam is the best jam. If I'd been judging the jam contest I would have picked Emma's jam for sure. Oscar: Atta girl, Lacey. I've always liked you, even though you are a few letters short of a cafe. Emma: Karen, you did what you thought was best. Sure, I won the jam contest for 15 years in a row but it had to come to an end and it's OK with me. Karen: Thank you, Emma. Oscar: Thank you Karen, for turning my wife into a loser. Davis: How's that look? Lacey: A little more to the left. Wanda: Hey Zorba, when did the Ruby turn into a Greek restaurant? Lacey: Ah, right after Hank took your job. Wanda: You corporate fat cats are all the same. Dude 1: Hey, check it out. It's Ka Sigma's sorority house. Dude 2: Panty raid. Lacey: OK, take it down. Davis: But I just moved it. Lacey: Take it down before my customer's panties get raided! Boys! Oscar: Mmm-mmm. This is delicious. I don't care what anyone says, you'll always be the queen of jam to me. Emma: Thank you. Oscar: Fifteen years. We had quite a run, didn't we kid? Emma: That's what I think. Time to move on. Time for someone else to take their moment in the sun. Another person will shine in the community instead of me. Oscar: You know you're missing the dish rack, right? Emma: Good for them. Hank: So, how many hours do you think I'll have to work before I can buy an iPod? Brent: A thousand and fifty. Hank: Woo, how many days is that? Brent: Hmm, not sure. Why don't you figure it out while your're cleaning the cooler. Hank: Sure, where's the cleaning stuff? Brent: Hmm, not sure. Hey, where's the cleaning stuff? Wanda: Suck an egg, Baldy. Brent: She says she doesn't know. Uh, maybe you should just start with the inventory. Hank: Yeah, OK. Where do you keep the sheet with the list of supplies? Brent: Good question. Yo, inventory sheets? Wanda: Pfft! Brent: Maybe just do the windows. Hank: Cleaning stuff? Brent: Right. Maybe just take a break. Oscar: Hey, Emma. I thought we'd use paper plates from now on. I thought it'd be fun, like camping. Emma: That's not necessary. Sorry about the dishes. I guess the jam contest did kind of get to me a bit. I'm fine now. Perfectly fine. Oscar: Totally understandable my dear. After all, it's jam. Oh my God, I've married Cujo. Hank: Hey Wanda, when you get Brent's rugs cleaned do you pay for all of it yourself or just half? Wanda: You cleaned his rugs? You schmuck. What else has he got you doing? Hank: Typical gas station stuff. Brent: Oh yeah, get in there. Don't be shy. Brent: OK, don't move. Hank: You're not going to hit me in the eye again, are you? Brent: Only if you move. Brent: Marco? You have to say it. Hank: No, I don't. Ow! Wanda: You don't have to take this. Tell him to wrap his rug around a stick and cram it. Hank: Man, I wish I had your guts. Brent: Marco? Hank: Oh, I should get back to work. Paper Boy: Excuse me, are you the owner of this cafe? Lacey: Oh listen, I already told your manager I'm not going to pay you until you learn to throw a paper, K? Paper Boy: No, I think I know where your "E" is. Lacey: Oh. Lacey: What the... Davis: I was hoping you wouldn't see this. Lacey: Oh, Davis! Nice joke Davis, you had me looking all over town for an "E" when it was here all along? Davis: Oh, I didn't steal it. You just seemed so upset so I made you a new one. Lacey: Uh-huh, nice try. Well, I think I'm going to take my new "E" back. You should be embarrassed, with a capital E. Could I have a hand here please? Brent: Marco? Oscar: Who's Marco? Ow! Brent: Whoop, sorry. I thought you were Hank. Oscar: Hank's out there. Hank: Give me an "S!" Wanda: S. Hank: Give me an "T!" Wanda: T. Hank: Give me an "V!" Wanda What am I spelling? Hank: We're supposed to spell something? Lacey: Hey guys, guess what? I found my "E." It got me out of a real... Oscar: Pickle, bind, conundrum. Lacey: Not what I was gonna say. Karen: Hey guys, don't take Worts Road. They're paving so there's a traffic... Oscar: Lock-up, clog, congestion. Emma: Excuse me, I have to wash my hands. Oscar: OK, my sweet. Lacey: Oscar, what's with the word blurts? Oscar: I don't want anyone saying "jam" around Emma since Karen turned her into a psycho. Karen: Yeah, I turned her into the psycho. She went ga-ga the day she said "I do." Oscar: Please, change your mind. Say you picked the wrong jam, declare a mis-taste. My life is in danger. Lacey: She seems fine to me. Emma: Oscar. Oscar: Please help me. I'm afraid to go asleep at night. Karen: OK then, you take care. Remember not to say "jam." Lacey: Jam-a. Jammy. Jam-jam. Karen: Emma did this? Lacey: Right after you turned her into a psycho. I know if I'd been judging the jam contest... Karen: All right, all right. E Farmer: You're the one missing the "E?" Lacey: Not anymore, I found it. E Farmer: What's this? Lacey: My E. Where did you find that? E Farmer: On top of my chickens. By the way, you owe me two chickens. Lacey: Whoa, that is not my fault. There was a wind storm. E Farmer: And six eggs. Now help me unload this chicken-killer. Lacey: Ah, I don't need it anymore. I have a replacement "E." E Farmer: What am I supposed to do with it? Lacey: I don't know. Take it to the dump. E Farmer: Now you tell me. Could have saved a trip when I was dropping off the chickens. Karen: Go on, try them. I picked the best jam and I know it. Oscar: Are you trying to get us killed? Emma: Fine, I will. I don't even care about this contest. Mmm, this one's better. Karen: Ha, I knew it! That's the jam I picked. Emma: Yes, but the recipe seems awfully familiar, doesn't it, Helen? Helen: Fine, I used her recipe. I was sick of Emma winning all the time. Year after year of seeing Emma wedged behind Oscar in the Howler. Take me away. Karen: Um, it's a jam contest. Oscar: Well, if it's your recipe then you won! Someone get a shot of this. Lacey: Davis. Look, I'm sorry for thinking that you stole my "E." And there's no reason to apologize. Davis: Why would I apologize? Lacey: Don't worry about it. I want to invite you over to the Ruby so you can see your "E" in all its glory. Davis: There's no "E" on your roof. Lacey: But there is one in "friend." Juice Customer: I'm so sorry. Brent: Oh, that's OK. Mop's in the back, kid. Juice Customer: He's not mopping it up. Brent: Be good for him, builds character. Juice Customer: I don't think so. Brent: Come on, he know anything about clogged toilets? He's got those skinny arms, he could get right up there. Fine. Brent: I'm just saying let's be reasonable and settle this like adults. Wanda: Pfft! Brent: And with less spitting. Wanda: Here's a list of my demands. Brent: OK. Item 1, hmm... Wanda: That's it, we walk! Hank: We're so outie. Brent: All I said was "hmm." Wanda: It's not that you said "hmm." It's the way you said "hmm." Brent: All right, I promise I won't say that sound anymore. All right, Item 2, whoo... Wanda: Come on. Brent: What? It's just this item 2, "Wanda Dollard will no longer be required to stock shelves or ring in customers." You see, that could be problematic, what with that being the whole job. Wanda: Hmm. Brent: That's it, I walk. Wanda: All right. I'll stock the stupid shelves and I'll ring in the stupid customers. But I want my stool fixed and I want a parking spot. Brent: Deal. Hank: Hold on. I got a list of demands too. Brent: I can't hit you with a broom anymore? I don't know. Hank: That's it, I walk. Brent: See you at the bar later? Hank: Sure, yeah. Wanda: Can I hit him with the broom? Brent: Deal. Davis: OK, how's that? Lacey: Oh, it's smaller than the other letters. Well, I could take the other letters, move them back so they seem smaller. Lacey: No. Davis: Oh, I can move this one forward. Lacey: No. Ah, what am I gonna do now? Davis: Here's a thought. Junkyard Guy: Can I help you find something? Lacey: I'm looking for an F'ing "E." Junkyard Guy: Hey, easy lady. This is a family junkyard. Lady: I think we'll take our junk somewhere else. Lacey: Sorry. Category:Transcripts